Parenting

Caribbean Parenting Month: Discipline vs. Abuse

I remember spankings, or as we called them, beatings.

Those who cyan hear, will feel.

It wasn't until I was older that I realized what the American word, "beating" really meant. For Americans, it brings up images of the civil rights movement, women with black eyes, and children with broken arms.  For me, it was just a spanking.  No bruises, no extension cords, just a physical reminder that whatever I was doing, or did, was not to be repeated.

We laugh about it now, but back then, I did what all kids fresh off of a spanking did - secretly prayed that one or both of my parents would be run over by elephants. True story.

I won't go into all the insanity that we did to earn those beatings spankings, but when I think back on them, I don't feel hurt or abused. It was what it was.  I had friends who never ever got spankings.  I'm pretty sure they turned out alright too.

My mom, the same mom who could fling a pot spoon or slipper like a ninja, told a newish Caribbean mom who asked her when the beatings should start, responded that "for some children, they never do."  I'm not sure if that was the pediatrician, the enlightened parent, or the softer gentler grandparent talking, but it really is true.  Each child is different. Each parent is different.

I tiyahd talkin' to alyuh.

I talk to my kids a lot more than my parents talked to me when it comes to discipline. I think so much so that sometimes they'd rather get a spanking and get it over with.  My mom sits, watches, and smiles.  Truth is, times have changed.  I spent a ton of time outside, running, jumping, making mischief, and tearing up things.  Today's kids can be calmed with an iPad.  I had very little TV, five channels including two public television stations (then eventually FOX came along), so I had plenty of time to come up with beating spanking-worthy crimes to commit.

At the end of the day, we all want the same thing - respectful, honest, decent children. That's all we want.

I keep my opinions on spanking to myself for the most part, because if you are here - you obviously care about your children and your family. From time to time I check to see what search terms people type into Google to find me.  Usually it is "Disney World Packing List", "Homeschool vs. Traditional School", or "Caribbean Culture for Kids" - so you are here for the extras, not the just basics. Loving, concerned parents, grandparents, aunts, and uncles, stop by here for information that is for the enrichment of their family lives.  Now do parents who profess to love their kids abuse them? I am sure it happens.

Image Credit: Target.com OXO wooden spoon

These days, our children of privilege are learning that you can't always get everything you want, despite what you have been told - and without discipline, respect for authority, and common decency, you won't even come close.

Bottom line, you don't need me to tell you what's right or wrong when it comes to how you discipline your children. Get to know your kid, establish the parenting style that fits the atmosphere and values in your home, and then go with it. Whatever you decide to do when it comes to discipline - please, do something. Just the other day, I saw a teenage girl yelling at her grandfather as he walked behind her.  It wasn't until I made eye contact with him that he said something to her about how she was speaking to him, but by then the damage was done.  He was already ashamed for himself and for her.  I know he wished he or the girl's parents had done something earlier.

(A lighthearted look at immigrant families and discipline from Russell Peters - headphones may be necessary if kids are in the room)

Do you think that spanking is an outdated method of parenting in the Caribbean community?  Do you question the efficacy of physical forms of punishment?  Have you adopted more "American" ways of discipline when your children are out of line?  Do you feel the shift from Caribbean parenting to Caribbean American parenting is producing a generation with a lower level of respect or children with a kinder approach to relationships?

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April is Caribbean Parenting Month!

I can't believe it is April already!  At the start of the year, I told you guys that 2013 on SocaMom.com was going to be a lot of fun.  We are now officially two years old and counting, and the blog has been pretty quiet in preparation for the anniversary of our official launch during Caribbean American Heritage Month in June.

We chose to designate April as Caribbean Parenting Month (Download the press release here:  Caribbean American Blogger, Eva Greene-Wilson Kicks off Caribbean Parenting Month, April 2013).

For this, the inaugural celebration, we will be highlighting Caribbean American families through profiles, articles, interviews, discussions, and family friendly events.  The achievements, innovation, and creativity that Caribbean people have contributed to their adopted countries all over the world that stems from a distinct style of parenting, Caribbean parenting, should be celebrated.  In the years since I established the SocaMom community of Caribbean parents, it has proven to be a resource for parents raising their children outside of the Caribbean who want to keep them connected to Caribbean culture.

SocaMom.com has a diverse following of parents and Caribbean culture enthusiasts from all over the world.  Many people who are not of Caribbean descent did not know about the unique aspects of Caribbean parenting, until they became readers of SocaMom.com. They are intrigued by the differences, and entertained by the often humorous similarities to their own households.  We have readers from the Midwest to the Middle East!

Each day in April, new resources will be added to SocaMom.com for our readers in honor of Caribbean Parenting Month.  We will be presenting new and interactive ways for our readers and members of the SocaMom community to get involved.

So how can you participate?  You can be a guest blogger, be a featured Caribbean family, invite friends to join you on Facebook, and more.  Subscribe to SocaMom.com updates to see how we are celebrating daily.

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Teachable Moment: Drool, Guitar Strings, and Forgiveness

It started with some drool.

Mr. Social could do no wrong with his big brother when he arrived.  He was perfect.  No amount of crying or pooping was a problem.  Then it happened.  He was holding him one day, and some drool got loose.  That was the first time we heard him tell Mr. Social not to do something.  As he wiped his hand off in slight disgust, I could see that was the beginning of the end of their perfect relationship.

Now that they share a room, there has been a whole lot of times that my Big One has had to tell my little one to stop doing something, not to touch something, or to just leave his stuff alone. Today was no different.

My teen teeters between being a kid and being a teenager. When the little one starts to beg for something, sometimes his teenager shows up, he feels empathetic, and he gives in.

So today, all the kids were trying to impress Grandma with their musical genius. There's no shortage of instruments in our house, so she really did get a full concert.  The kids are really competitive, and Mr. Social wasn't content with playing his steel pan for Grandma.  He needed more.  Long story a little shorter, Mr. Social one broke the Big One's guitar string, trying to play it with his pan sticks. The big one had already told him that he couldn't play it, but he insisted... resorting to begging, then whining.  The Big One gave in.  Mr. Social apologized through his tears.  He had to give up $3 of his own money to fix it, since he wasn't playing it properly.  Mr. Social really likes his money, so he was pretty upset.

"It's okay..." said the Big One. It wasn't okay though.  Not to me.  Probably not to the Big One either.  Even though he had pretty much forgiven him even before he apologized, there had to be consequences.

At times Mr. Social would break the Big One's things, we would kind of let it go, because if we went all crazy every time it happened, it would just be a constant one way stream of punishment - especially since it was so rare for the Big One to break something belonging to Mr. Social.

Being a big brother, sometimes, the Big One feels like he can't win. Because of that, every now and then, I deliver that sweet, swift justice on behalf of the Big One.  Within 15 minutes, we were on our way to the music store.  On the way, I told Mr. Social that he has to treat other people's things even more carefully than he treats his own, and that if he was going to beg the Big One to use his things, he would have to be responsible when he got them. I decided to sit in the car and let them go in the store and handle their business.

"Sorry," whispered Mr. Social on the way home. He really meant it. I could tell because he didn't mean for me to hear it.

"Apology accepted," the Big One whispered back. He meant it.  I could tell because he didn't answer back loudly to embarrass him.  He answered in the same tone of voice showing that it was something genuine and personal between the two of them.

That ability to apologize and forgive each other, and to treat each other's property with respect will serve them well in their relationship with one another, as well as people they interact with in the future. Now that Mr. Social understands consequences - I spend a lot of time instilling those values.

How do you teach your little ones to respect other people's property? Do you show them how to treat library books, or do you teach them to cover their school books? What is your method? What teachable moments have you used to teach values to your children?

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Why My Kids Work: Child Labor or Labor of Love?

He jumped up and started slapping himself awake and running in place – a hilarious wake up dance from my middle boy, 6 years old at the time. “Is it time, mommy?”

“Yes,” I told him, barely containing my laughter, “you can go on and get dressed.”  It was going to be his first day “doing a real business” and he was beyond excited.  He and his siblings had spent the night before at the local shopping club picking out the items they planned to sell at the church yard sale.  We packed the car with tents, tables, chairs, a chalk board, a cooler, and all the candy, soda, and juice that they had purchased.  While other families were on the way to the park or little league games, we were setting up shop for the kids to try their hand at entrepreneurship. All day we sat back in the chairs we had purchased to watch the boys’ soccer games, watching them yell, “Candy! Drinks! Drinks! Candy for sale!” Each person that came up and bought something from the kids put a smile on their faces and confidence in their hearts.

They counted change.  They bagged up candy and drinks.  They tallied up their monies, and remarked on their best sellers.  Their ages, combined, was the age that most people get their first real job, and there they were on a Saturday morning, talking to people, learning about markup and how to present their merchandise for sale.  They were learning how the world works, and having a ball in the process.

Could I have been at the salon or relaxing in front of the TV? Probably. But I felt that when my kids asked me if they could have a table at the yard sale, it was a great opportunity  -  a teachable moment. (click "read more" if you are reading this from the front page or click on the title if you are reading from your email subscription)

 

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Eating for Better Breastfeeding

The first time baby girl burped over my shoulder and I distinctly recognized the scent of taco sauce mixed in with her sweet milk breath, I knew, what I ate mattered when I was breastfeeding.

It’s not that it didn’t matter before, but I really loved (and still love) Taco Bell.  The smell of it on my newborn baby’s breath, however, I didn’t love.  Those who have breastfed know that the color, taste, and smell of breastmilk can be changed by what mom eats.  One day my milk had a green tinge that worried me, until I got online and found out that my milk could reflect the natural colors of the fruits and veggies that I ate. So what ELSE was coming out in my breast milk?

Milk production and quality is directly impacted by the food that the breastfeeding mother is eating. No one seems to understand that better than Ebeth Johnson, a food educator who believes in the “power and magic” of whole plant foods.  She currently serves as the Healthy Food Specialist at one of the Whole Foods stores in Washington, DC, and has held a host of positions as an advocate and teacher of healthy eating habits.

Ebeth Johnson is a Plant Based Culinary Nutritionist, consultant for nursing moms, and an advocate for family nutrition with her own innovative venture, Breastfeeding Chef. She helps nursing mothers assess the nutritional needs of their babies and themselves, as well as their family, in order to develop a strategic plan to achieve the health goals of the family unit.

Check out her Eating for Breastfeeding – Tour and Tasting (Saturday, February 9, 2013) and Yoga and Nutrition for Nursing Mamas (Sunday, February 17, 2013).

Eating for two for me while pregnant and nursing was a constant fight between what mommy wanted and needed, and what baby had to have. Ebeth’s creative recipes help nursing moms keep the balance between good and good for you.  Let’s take the Cinnamon Banana Boobie Boost Smoothie for example, designed for nursing moms, but something the everyone in the household can sip on and enjoy.  Check it out and see what each ingredient does to boost your boobies!

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Cinnamon Banana Boobie Boost Smoothie

Makes about 4 ½ cups

(2 nursing mama servings)

The recipe is easily doubled to serve more people.

Ingredients:

3 cups filtered water

1/3 cup rolled oats

1/3 cup hemp seeds

1/3 cup sunflower seeds

4 medjool dates, pitted

2 large ripe bananas

2 tablespoons nutritional yeas

½ teaspoon vanilla extract

½ teaspoon cinnamon

1 cup ice cubes

 

Method:

In a high powered blender, combine all ingredients. Blend 1 minute or longer until smooth.  Serve and enjoy!  Store leftovers up to 48 hours in a glass jar in the back of the fridge.

About the recipe:

What's great about this recipe is it's super easy to make.  Just throw the ingredients into a blender and whirl it up.  Once it's made it becomes what I call a one-hander-- a nutritious mini-meal easily consumed in one hand with a baby in the other-- that keeps mom going and milk flowing.

About the ingredients:

Oats—

1. oats are well known and used to increase milk production in breastfeeding women.

2. Oats are quick cooking and require little attention from a busy nursing mom with her eyes on her baby.

3 good source of fiber keeping mamas full

Hemp Seeds—

1.  Provide quality fats for breast milk lessening the likelihood of colic due to low fat hind-milk as well as failure to thrive

2. Great source of plant based protein

3. great source of fiber to keep mamas full and satisfied longer

4. Alkaline forming—an alkaline body environment is less likely to house illness and develop disease

5. Easy to digest- Gut health of the mother is directly linked to the digestive health of baby. So easy to digest foods and meals are important in preventing digestive upset in baby.

Sunflower seeds—

1. Known for their support of breast milk production,

2. Source of trace minerals important to breastfeeding moms,

3.  Good source of protein and plant based quality fat.

Medjool dates--a nutrient rich whole food sweetener that removes the need to use processed sweeteners devoid of fiber and nutrients

Nutritional Yeast--a plant base source of B12 which helps nursing moms stay energized.

Cinnamon-- a digestive aid important for breastfeeding mothers since the digestive health of mother is directly linked to the digestive health of baby

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For more information visit Ebeth at breastfeedingchef.com | @breastfeedchef | Facebook

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5 Ways to Nurture, Encourage, and Support the Organized Child

"Mommy!" Baby girl squealed from her room.

"Yes, Beans, what's up?" I replied.

"Look what I did!"

I blinked at the clock - 7:33 am.

 

With a combination of fear and curiosity, I rolled out of the bed, squeezed past my open and overflowing dresser drawers, ducked around the protruding handles of my elliptical turned closet extension, shimmied by the full  laundry baskets of clean but not folded clothes, and went out of my bedroom door - not before whacking my pinkie toe on a plastic bin of craft supplies. I limped down the hall to her room.

"Look, Look!" she chirped, barely able to contain her excitement. "See, I put all my lotion - here. All of my lip gloss is - here. I hung up my necklaces - here. And under here - I put aaaaaaaalllllll my dress up stuff!"

"Wow!" I said - trying to sound excited through the sleep stuck in my throat, "This is really amazing!"

Truth is, I was excited.  We had gotten our girly girl a powder table for her birthday, and she really loved it. Now, two birthdays later, she was still in love with it, and using it to stay organized. I was always afraid that my kids would mimic what they saw when they witnessed the chaos that was my room, and here was my little one, up early, making sure her personal space was in order. Whoa.

Moms, Dads, Aunt, Uncles, Grandmas and Grandpas - you know - helping a child develop good habits is challenging. Nurturing a child's natural ability can be even harder.  My son is a talented soccer player, so helping him out is easy, since soccer is something I love to play.  Staying organized is a talent, but it isn't one that my husband have naturally, so we are at a bit of a disadvantage when it comes to raising a little one who shows a knack for it at such a young age.

Order is important in the Caribbean household.  Around here, my husband and I, while not terribly organized, do have a talent for planning and project management, so we have come up with five ways to support and encourage our naturally organized child.

1.  Ask her what she needs to get her space set up the way that she would like it. A lot of times, you'll find that after you set up your child's room, and it looks perfect, it is dismantled in a matter of hours.  What you think is organized, may not match what your child has in mind. We have found that the way that our brain is organized is quite different to hers, so in order for her to feel at peace with her set up in her room, we have to get her input.

2.  Provide tools for keeping their space orderly. Buckets, bins, baskets, bags, binders... we have it all, and we make sure that she has a place and a space for everything.  Since she is naturally organized, not having a space for something can make her anxious.  Between the dollar store and IKEA, she's a much happier kid.

3.  Remove obstacles to neatness. For me, it is easier to just divide the clothes up in baskets by owner, and shove them in their rooms until I get to folding and putting away.  The boys couldn't care less.  For Baby Girl, that is a problem.  A basket of unfolded clothes in her room that she spent so much time organizing? Unacceptable.  So although I still shove the boys' basket into their room, secretly hoping that they'll fold them and put them away, I fold her clothes and put them in the drawers for her.

4.  Give her a job helping to organize other areas of the house. Nurturing and supporting her organization skill is more than just helping her to keep her personal space clean and neat to her satisfaction.  I would like for her to extend her talent to contributing to the overall organization of the household and eventually her community at large.  I give her small jobs to help out like organizing the lower bookshelves in our homeschooling area, and she loves the idea of taking ownership of a project that affects more people than just herself.

5.  Reward her good work. Baby Girl has kept her been keeping her room up on her own for quite a while now.  We recognize that for a kid her age, that is pretty impressive.  Most kids her age still have mom making their beds and cleaning their rooms - and while I do have to go in and vacuum, put away things she can't reach, and prompt her to check under her bed for toys and socks, for the most part, she has taken ownership of maintaining her personal space.  We reward her with a few more minutes of video games, or fifteen minutes tacked on to her bedtime.... both of which make her feel very grown up. She likes feeling grown up.

What is your child naturally good at? How did you find out?  What do you do to nurture and support that talent?

There's no denying that order is valued in the Caribbean household. Recognizing and rewarding organization as a "talent" seems to be a very American concept. How do you view the ability to stay organized when it comes to your kids?

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