Caribbean Parenting in America: No behavior!

(In the Trini vernacular, when someone says you have “no behavior”, that means you are rude, have no manners, and/or don’t know how to act in public) If a Caribbean parent says, “You have no behavior or what?” to a child, it is highly likely that if they don’t straighten up, there will certainly be some unpleasantness to follow.

When I was small, I remember people mentioning to my parents how polite we were. We grew up in the South, so having manners was expected, but hearing a toddler say please, thank you, yes ma’am, and no sir automatically was still fascinating to most people.  I grew up with manners, and saying a plain “yes” or “no” to my parents would result in the threat of a cuff or boxed ears – neither of which are pleasant – so to this day, I always say “yes, Mom” and “yes, Dad”.

I raise my kids the same way. They are swiftly reminded to answer me properly when I ask them a question, and have been answering me properly since they could talk.  I remember my husband telling me that our 2 year old was too young to say please and thank you.  I told him that if he wanted what he was asking for badly enough he would say please, and if he expected me to let it go, he’d say thank you.  And he did.  The “ma’am and sir” didn’t come with us up to this area because it just doesn’t fit.  People here don’t say it, and get kinda offended when you say it – like you think they are old or something.

Watching my 6 year old struggle to hold the door amuses some, who say – “Let me get that for you, Buddy” and others just stroll through the door like he is the doorman.

I can’t help noticing that a lot of kids today are raised with no manners at all. I mean none.  I hear them in the grocery store raising their voices at their parents (and grandparents), running all over the stores while their parents don’t even bother to correct them (until they run into someone and the parent corrects the kid, while the kid looks completely confused). There is eye rolling at the parents, hitting the parents, screaming at the parents, and ignoring the parents...

My kids tend to stand back in awe at the park while kids push, shove, curse, and tease each other – the parents just sit there and text.  It doesn’t seem to matter the socioeconomic status.  We visit parks all over the city in all kinds of neighborhoods, and it doesn’t matter.  I was at a water park this summer and a pre-teen was actually spitting over the side of the platform where people were walking up with their kids while waiting for a water slide. Standing in front of his dad. Who didn’t even flinch.  My dad would have tied my lips in a freaking knot! That is if I was outside of my mind and did something so rude and nasty.

Growing up, we didn’t have facebook, youtube, or twitter, so we had a lot more in person interaction with friends, family, and elders. Seems like with all of this technology available to younger and younger kids, we should be paying even more attention to teaching manners in the home, because they may not have as many opportunities to practice as we did.

My kids are in online school, but are not nearly as plugged in as other kids. No facebook pages, no youtube surfing, no twitter, no cell phones. Their cousins are much more plugged in (the 5 year old texts me to say goodnight) – but their manners are impeccable! I have to believe that it has to do with home training.  When I take out all the kids, it turns out to be 7 of them in all – 5, 5, 6, 10, 12, 15, and 17. Without fail, whether I have just my three, or all 7, someone will come up and say how well behaved my kids are.  The kids LOVE when that happens because that invariably means they will be getting a treat of some sort, but it worries me.  Why are well behaved kids something to marvel at? Why is having no behavior the norm?  What do you think?

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Eva is the administrator and blogger for SocaMom.com. Follow her on Twitter at @socamomdc.